Admitting the problem.
I have been living in denial of my choices and I need to reflect on that for a moment.
My poor relationship with food came back with vengeance during pregnancy and somehow has stuck with me over the past year. I have done (and ate) things I am not proud of and to be honest, I have just pretended it didn't happen just so I could blame my weight on anything but myself.
The truth is:
I have "justified" more trips to the drive-thru than someone should, especially when four years ago I wouldn't even think of going to one.
I have "justified" eating junk at all hours of the day/night because I didn't have "time" to cook anything else, even when I was cooking a healthy meal for Molly and Eddie.
I fell into the trap of believing meal planning and prepping was something I didn't need to do because I was a mom now and I should be spending my time doing something else like laundry or playing with Molly.
Constant lack of sleep has lead to more missed workouts then I care to admit, but when you're working full time while taking care of your child somethings fall to the wayside. Unfortunately, for me it was also something that brings me happiness.
I am back at the exact weight and starting point that I was when this blog started. The work I have cut out for me to lose it this time around is a big part of the internal struggle I am dealing with.
The first time I lost the weight I had nothing else to worry about, I could hit the gym at anytime for as long as I wanted. There were days I was in back to back classes for almost three hours and I still had energy after to run errands, clean, etc. Now I am lucky if I make it through 45 minutes of a modified workout without feeling completely exhausted or in pain from my knees. I can't stand being this person and that is why it's time to get out of my own way.
Being aware of the choices I am making and holding myself accountable is a big part of successfully losing this weight. If I eat something and think to myself "I don't need to track this, it's fine" it doesn't mean it didn't happen, and it will only hold me back from reaching my goals in the long run.
Getting back to a place of feeling strong, energetic and loving how I look/feel in my clothes is something that is extremely important to me.
I know all of these things, I just need to apply them to my everyday life.
Thanks for listening.