Tuesday, January 10, 2017

The first step is

Admitting the problem. 

I have been living in denial of my choices and I need to reflect on that for a moment.

My poor relationship with food came back with vengeance during pregnancy and somehow has stuck with me over the past year. I have done (and ate) things I am not proud of and to be honest, I have just pretended it didn't happen just so I could blame my weight on anything but myself.

The truth is: 
I have "justified" more trips to the drive-thru than someone should, especially when four years ago I wouldn't even think of going to one. 

I have "justified" eating junk at all hours of the day/night because I didn't have "time" to cook anything else, even when I was cooking a healthy meal for Molly and Eddie.

I fell into the trap of believing meal planning and prepping was something I didn't need to do because I was a mom now and I should be spending my time doing something else like laundry or playing with Molly.

Constant lack of sleep has lead to more missed workouts then I care to admit, but when you're working full time while taking care of your child somethings fall to the wayside. Unfortunately, for me it was also something that brings me happiness.

I am back at the exact weight and starting point that I was when this blog started. The work I have cut out for me to lose it this time around is a big part of the internal struggle I am dealing with. 

The first time I lost the weight I had nothing else to worry about, I could hit the gym at anytime for as long as I wanted. There were days I was in back to back classes for almost three hours and I still had energy after  to run errands, clean, etc. Now I am lucky if I make it through 45 minutes of a modified workout without feeling completely exhausted or in pain from my knees. I can't stand being this person and that is why it's time to get out of my own way. 

 Being aware of the choices I am making and holding myself accountable is a big part of successfully losing this weight. If I eat something and think to myself "I don't need to track this, it's fine" it doesn't mean it didn't happen, and it will only hold me back from reaching my goals in the long run. 

Getting back to a place of feeling strong, energetic and loving how I look/feel in my clothes is something that is extremely important to me. 

I know all of these things, I just need to apply them to my everyday life.

Thanks for listening.

Saturday, January 7, 2017

The "befores" and looking for my AH-HA moment

Thursday night was our official BodyBack kick-off meeting. Over 30 moms and 6 coaches sat in a room for close to two hours discussing how we will attack the next 8 weeks, together. We shared stories, took our before pictures and got our measurements done. It was so refreshing to be back in a place where even though our end goals may be different, we all shared similar wants/needs and struggles. 

This is not my first weight loss journey but it's very different this time around, it is so much more difficult to lose this time around because I don't have time to put myself first all day, everyday. 

Before the meeting I took my own pictures to share here as my accountability for myself. This corner of the internet helped me lose 50+ lbs before and I am hoping it can help me lose 35lbs now. 

My body has done amazing things, it has given me my Molly and I need to remind myself of that when I start to get down on how I look. But I also need to stop justifying eating crap because I am tired or lazy after a long day of working and being a mom. If I can spend the time making sure she is eating the best foods, I can do that for myself too.

Last night I ate two Reese's trees for no other reason than I wanted them and didn't care that they weren't clean or healthy. We went food shopping earlier in the day but I didn't feel like making a meal, so I opted for candy on the couch. Thirty minutes later I felt so sick that I ended up in bed from eating them. 

Worth it? 

I asked Eddie to remind me of this moment when I say I want to eat candy/junk or if he sees me reaching for it. 
 Five years ago I would never even consider doing something like that and I need whatever it was that clicked for me then to click now. There are too many times I find myself reaching for chips/snacks instead of clean/whole foods, I know what to do but I am not doing it. 

WHY am I not doing it? 
WHY am I standing in my own way?

My goal over the next 8 weeks is to figure out the answers to these questions and hopefully have my "ah-ha" moment. I want to get back to the place of wanting the best for myself and my body, because I deserve it.

Thursday, January 5, 2017

This is harder than I thought

On December 15th Molly turned 1 years old. 
I am still having difficulties processing where the time went exactly because it certainly doesn't feel like a year has passed.
In other ways 2016 felt long, which I know many people have also expressed feeling this way.

For me, the first year of motherhood was an amazing but tough time. Eddie was working overnights so almost everything Molly related fell on me. I went through many time periods of self doubt, mom guilt and suffered from postpartum anxiety (still am) but at the end of it all, we made it through. I feel so fortunate to be this little girls mom, she is the greatest thing to have ever happened to my world but sometimes when you're juggling so many things at once, one of them is going to drop.

For me it was weight loss. I had this notion in my head that I was going to lose the 30lbs I gained during my pregnancy with little to no effort with the help of breastfeeding. 
Molly never latched and I pumped exclusively but only lasted five weeks. 
I beat myself up over "giving up" for a long time but between working full time from home while being a new mom for the first time it was too much.

I had been working out consistently since we moved to Maryland, I started out at the YMCA but quickly found my happy place in Stroller Strides. Being able to have Molly with me during my workouts, especially while struggling with anxiety, was so helpful. And being around other moms who were either going through the same thing as me or were able to offer advice was something invaluable to me.

In the fall I joined their BodyBack program to finally lose the baby weight once and for all, I was ready to put in the work physically, mentally and nutritionally.
The weekend before our 8 week session kicked off my cousin passed away unexpectedly and it somewhat set the tone for my approach for the program.

My heart wasn't in it and it felt somewhat trivial to me to put all of my time and effort into making sure I did my workouts, meal plan/prep and track everything I was eating. 
Halfway through the BodyBack session Eddie's schedule changed and it made attending classes even more difficult for me, I had pretty much given up and it showed in my "after" results.

After barely completing the program I went back and joined the YMCA, I missed lifting heavy and the feeling of accomplishment I would get when I moved up to a heavier weight set. At the end of 2016 we found out that after almost a decade of Eddie working overnights he was moving to days! This means he has more time with Molly, I have more free time to focus on work and myself and most importantly, we have more time together as a family.

It also meant signing up for BodyBack again. I am really looking forward to attacking this program in a much more positive way this session and actually sharing my journey with all of you. 

Blogging has been something I have loved doing for years but struggled to keep up with while dealing with so many life changes these last three years. 

In 2017 I plan to change all of that. 

I am going to stop making excuses and get back to everything I love doing and most importantly, get back to being ME.

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