Thursday, January 5, 2017

This is harder than I thought



On December 15th Molly turned 1 years old. 
I am still having difficulties processing where the time went exactly because it certainly doesn't feel like a year has passed.
In other ways 2016 felt long, which I know many people have also expressed feeling this way.

For me, the first year of motherhood was an amazing but tough time. Eddie was working overnights so almost everything Molly related fell on me. I went through many time periods of self doubt, mom guilt and suffered from postpartum anxiety (still am) but at the end of it all, we made it through. I feel so fortunate to be this little girls mom, she is the greatest thing to have ever happened to my world but sometimes when you're juggling so many things at once, one of them is going to drop.

For me it was weight loss. I had this notion in my head that I was going to lose the 30lbs I gained during my pregnancy with little to no effort with the help of breastfeeding. 
Wrong.
Molly never latched and I pumped exclusively but only lasted five weeks. 
I beat myself up over "giving up" for a long time but between working full time from home while being a new mom for the first time it was too much.

I had been working out consistently since we moved to Maryland, I started out at the YMCA but quickly found my happy place in Stroller Strides. Being able to have Molly with me during my workouts, especially while struggling with anxiety, was so helpful. And being around other moms who were either going through the same thing as me or were able to offer advice was something invaluable to me.

In the fall I joined their BodyBack program to finally lose the baby weight once and for all, I was ready to put in the work physically, mentally and nutritionally.
The weekend before our 8 week session kicked off my cousin passed away unexpectedly and it somewhat set the tone for my approach for the program.

My heart wasn't in it and it felt somewhat trivial to me to put all of my time and effort into making sure I did my workouts, meal plan/prep and track everything I was eating. 
Halfway through the BodyBack session Eddie's schedule changed and it made attending classes even more difficult for me, I had pretty much given up and it showed in my "after" results.

After barely completing the program I went back and joined the YMCA, I missed lifting heavy and the feeling of accomplishment I would get when I moved up to a heavier weight set. At the end of 2016 we found out that after almost a decade of Eddie working overnights he was moving to days! This means he has more time with Molly, I have more free time to focus on work and myself and most importantly, we have more time together as a family.

It also meant signing up for BodyBack again. I am really looking forward to attacking this program in a much more positive way this session and actually sharing my journey with all of you. 

Blogging has been something I have loved doing for years but struggled to keep up with while dealing with so many life changes these last three years. 


In 2017 I plan to change all of that. 


I am going to stop making excuses and get back to everything I love doing and most importantly, get back to being ME.





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