Thursday, July 26, 2012

Not comfortable in my skin



The past two or three weeks I have not felt like myself.

My motivation to sweat is not there.
My happiness while working out is almost non-existent.

I am trying to change things up and push through it, but the fact of the matter is:

I am not comfortable in my skin.


I haven't felt this way since I started my journey back in 2009 at a whopping 236 pounds.

I've lost 50lbs in 2 years and I've been happy with that.

Until a few weeks ago.
I am constantly finding things I don't like about myself.

When something is bothering me I internalize it.
I hate opening up and having real conversations face to face.
I'd rather be bitchy and write you off.

It's rude but it's the truth.
It's also something I know, but cannot control
It's who I am.

...

Last night at the gym my unhappiness reared it's ugly head.
I was watching myself jump rope and said out loud "all I see is jiggle."

Lauren and I hopped into Kickboxing 20 minutes late after doing the "sweaty & I know it" circuit.
The entire time I was comparing myself to every person in the room.

Tight bodies of every age surrounds me on a constant basis.
I work just as hard.
I push just as much.
But here I am 2 years later and nothing is changing.



I left the gym and broke down.
I can't pretend I am happy when I'm not.

 
For those of you still reading or who watched the vlog, thank you.

I am hoping to kick myself out of this funk really soon because 
I HATE IT.

Being uncomfortable in your own skin is the worst feeling and I do not wish it on anyone.

I love you all.
Tomorrow WILL be better.

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44 comments:

  1. I think you are friggin amazing for posting this. If I could give you a hug I would, but virtual ones will have to do ... don't be so hard on yourself! It's ok to have off days/weeks/whatever. It happens! As long as you just keep sweating it will all be ok :-)

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  2. Oh how I adore you. I can completely relate. It's tough when day in and day out you work SO hard and eat SO well and still - nothing. And people around you are doing less than you and getting results. It STINGS. And it's OKAY to have these days. We all have them, like you said. But I know you're going to KEEP KICKING BUTT because you ROCK and you GOT this. No matter how long it takes and where you want to be. I KNOW you will get there and continue to inspire on your way there. Keeping shinning love <3 Your honesty is truly wonderful <3

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  3. Keep your head up :) tomorrow is another day and as you said it WILL be better!

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  4. Being healthy is a journey and that journey includes ups and downs! I love looking at your blog and I think you are amazing! Don't feel bad for posting how you feel. Hope you feel better soon! Just keep at it :)

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  5. Remember, health is a marathon and a life changer! Meaning it will change your life throughout your entire life time! Good things DO come, it's just that BETTER things take a little longer! Keep pushing and fighting!

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  6. Caryln, don't get down, we all get there at some point! You've made some amazing progress and are an inspiration to a whole slew of people, so be proud of that! Maybe take a couple days off, just relax and recover and you'll be ready to hit it again hard as ever! :)

    And don't forget, we're all here for you! :)

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  7. GIRL WE HAVE ALLLLL BEEN THERE.
    Im with john above.
    for me it is not about pushing through but STOPPING.
    taking a break.
    feeling the feelings
    sitting with the feelings
    embracing the feelings as only THEN can I move on.

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  8. You have come a long way. Maybe you just need to change things up a little. I read your workouts and stuff and you do buttloads of cardiovascular exercises. Throwing in a day of powerlifting could be what you need to help with the "jiggle." Little people have it different than formerly big people. Powerlifting would help pull the skin tighter to the muscle. I know you research a lot, so look into it. Keep looking up. Everyone is their own worst critic.

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    1. I'm with Ruthanne. You are in a fabulous place from 2 years ago. You are going to have good days and bad, everyone does. But maybe a little change is just what you need... hang in there, you will get through it, you are a strong woman.

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  9. Oh my lovely Carlyn, I so get this. You know I lost a ton of weight, did you know I still have an unreasonable amount of skin from losing it? Yup. It pains me, makes me spitting mad, depressed, uncomfortable in my own (excess) skin. It's a bitch to work through, and sometimes, I don't. You'll find your way.

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  10. You've come further than some people ever will. Believe in your desire for change and that you can love yourself and your body, even while it's changing or in the moments you realize you it's not happening as fast as you want. Keep your head up, treat your body and self with love, and know that you'll reach your goals. Don't let negative thoughts bring you down. *Hugs chica!!* xoxo

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  11. We all have those days; days when your friend eats the worst yummy food and loses two lbs and you eat the salad and gain three. You have to figure out the root of the problem and examine how to fix it or work through it. My advice is stand in front of the mirror and say "I'm loved I'm blessed I'm healthy I'm worth it." it's the hardest thing to do.

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  12. You have accomplished so much in the last 2 years. We all feel this way sometimes but try to stay positive. This too shall pass.

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  13. Hang in there lady! We all face times when it feels like everything is working against us. Good news is that it will pass ;)

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  14. Great post! Everyone is right we all have those days. Just know that you are doing amazing and getting there. You inspire so many people, including myself. Keep on pushing!

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  15. stay strong girl! you've come a long way. plateaus are hard to deal with mentally but just think about how good you'll feel when you keep going and hit another goal!

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  16. Sorry to hear you're down in the dumps but thank you for your honesty and confidence to share it. As someone who has rode the weight loss roller coaster serveral times, it is so tough when you hit a road block but it helps to know you're not alone and this too shall pass.

    One of the things I find helpful is the push myself into a new activity. I never want to but once I do, I find my body reacts again and my interest gets engaged and before I know it, working out is fun again and not work.

    Keep it up - you've got this!

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  17. Keep your head up high! :)

    We all go through moments like this and what we need to remember is to continue moving forward!

    Reflect, learn and most importantly, don't give up!

    You are strong and you got this!

    An inspiration to many! #justkeepsweating

    xo

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  18. I want you to know how inspirational you always are to me.

    I follow you on Twitter and Facebook and EVERYTHING you post makes me want to be a healthier, better person—whether it's a positive post or a negative one. Your "real" attitude is what differentiates you from a lot of other bloggers who pretend to be perfect. You're so much more relatable. And because of that, you push me because I can see myself and my daily struggles, celebrations and feelings in you.

    So thank you for just being you!

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  19. First & foremost, it takes such a confident women to open up the way you just did. And with that, you should be so proud of yourself. You are, and have come such a long way. You may not realize how many people you truly do inspire day in and day out. Just know that you aren't the only person to feel this way. It happens to all of us, but just continue to stay positive & you'll get through it. I promise.

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  20. Carlyn! I have to tell you, reading your post made me want to cry. Look at your before and after photos! You are unrecognizable in an AMAZING way. Its ironic that you were the one motivating me a few days ago, but we all feel the way you're feeling right now. I'm sorry you are feeling this way it sucks, its depressing, and discouraging. In the end, what are your options? Be depressed about it and eat your sadness away or just keep sweating as you say...I know what you'll choose. We live hoping to look just like someone else that we see as perfect, but what is more perfect is the boday you have created and are creating for yourself. You look AMAZING...I mean it AMAZING. All your hard work IS paying off...the proof is in the photos! Keep it up, or take a full day off from everything, the nutrition, the blog, the gym and just breathe. You clearly put your heart and soul into everything and maybe for one day you just need to do for yourself, detach, and regroup. You will get right back in there girl! You are in inspiration to me and so many other people out there...keep it up! You're beautiful and the changes you want WILL happen! Xoxo.

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  21. It's so crazy that you posted this, because I have been feeling the EXACT same way. After having a borderline eating disorder, I lost all my muscle and got to an unhealthy weight. I was so unhealthy that I developed hypothyroid as my metabolism slowed down due to lack of calories. I avoided social situations because I knew I woulnd't be able to mentally count every calories, so GOOD FOR YOU for still living your life and having a great time. If you want yogurt, eat it!

    Now that I've started eating like a normal person again, I've put on weight (and muscle) thanks to going to the gym. It makes me so uncomfortable to not be the size that I used to think was ideal, and it's something I struggle with every day. When I go to the gym I don't even want to look in the mirror. However, I have to remind myself that I need to do things the HEALTHY way and enjoy life so that I will never regret anything.

    You have SO much to be proud of, and one thing I look forward to each day is reading your blog. I see you tweet about your workouts and I wish that I would have the guts to even TAKE a kickboxing class. Your recipes are fantastic (and healthy), and I truly think you're a great role model to ANYBODY who wants to make a healthy lifestyle change while still enjoying normal routines.

    You are so inspiring! It's okay to feel this way; we all have our days. But from what I've read and know about you, you're strong and can certainly make it through this.

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  22. I've been there. I lost 80lbs and understand how it feels to not be comfortable and not see that hard work in the mirror. But, you have to remember, it's a process. You HAVE worked hard, don't forget that. And, definitely don't give up! I can tell you that it does get better. I now love myself more than I did a year or two ago. It takes a lot of time. I do still have my days when I feel down about it, but that's going to come and go. We need to stop comparing ourselves to other runners/gym folks, even though that's unlikely to happen. Ha, it's a girl thing I think. :)

    Maybe take a day where you and your friends just have fun, nothing fitness-related at all. Just go to a theme park, or something. Just concentrate on laughing and enjoying yourself.

    Bottom line, do NOT give up. You are awesome. Never forget that. Believe in yourself.

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  23. Girl, you're feeling down right now, but I hear so much positive about how you're going to pick yourself back up and try again. And that's what's important. I hope that soon you get back to the place where your workout feels fun and not like a chore!

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  24. Carlyn,

    I have been feeling similarly lately. Snapped at my mom because I was feeling badly about myself. Angry and frustrated when it seems like everyone else around you is doing less than you but has better results. Thoughts creeping in my head that tell me I might never get past where I am, and be in a "plateau" forever.

    The truth is its OK to have these moments. Just accept it as MOMENT and not PERMANENT. You are such an inspiring, dedicated, upbeat, and beautiful person! You'll shake the funk, and so will I, and we'll get back to 100% ass-kicking. It can get tiring and overwhelming to balance it all.. but you do a really great job of it, and inspire me to do more everyday. Especially today as I felt very similarly as you are and afraid to share it. Thank you for being open and giving me a chance to feel like I'm not the only one!

    YOU FREAKING ROCK.

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  25. Carlyn,

    I wish you had known me for the last two years, because you'd understand that what you're feeling is normal. Weight loss is so incredibly frustrating...and I'll confess that despite the fact that I ran my first half marathon on Sunday, some of my first thoughts were terrible. I was feeling glorious after completing something I never thought I'd do. I was proud, I was excited. And then I saw a picture. I reverted back to old me for a while and cried over how I didn't look the way I had hoped on that day. I won't get into more detail because this is about you, not me. But I was hard on myself. Very hard.

    As I said, weight loss is difficult. Takes half the time to put it on and double the time to take it off. It's not fair, I know. But you've shed 50 pounds already, girlfriend, and you should be SO proud of that. Remember something: stress (like the stress you're putting yourself through right now) will stall your progress. It made me gain 30 lbs back. It's not cool. Stress, hormones, the summer time (hi, I hate the humid gross air...it zaps the energy out of me)...it might just be as small as something like taking a certain food out of your diet (or adding one!) that could get the loss moving again.

    Keep your chin up. Continue to push through. You can do this, things will change, and you should be proud!!! You're awesome. You've got this. I know you do. 50 pounds don't come off with magic. ;)

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  26. I probably can't add to any of the beautiful wisdom the above commenters have shared I still wanted to jump in and give my encouragement to you. I can also understand the frustration and have been there too. One thing that really helped me...I took a time to just "be okay" with where I was even though I was slightly overweight and didn't really like my body. IT was a freedom that was necessary to get me to the next good place in life. TAke the focus off the body and weight and put it on other good things in your life. I hope that's not unwanted advice...Anyway, please "just keep sweating" and remember every day is a new one.

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  27. Keep your chin up! I'm sure nothing I say can make things better, but know that we are all pulling for you and most of us have been there or are going through the same thing. Hugs and positive energy your way! xo

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  28. You are inspiration to all. We all have these moments. You are working so hard and you're succeeding. I wish I could offer you a hug right now. It's good to talk out how we're feeling and I'm so thankful you were so vulnerable and open. Never forget you are beautiful. You are strong. You are motivated AND you're motivating others. Let me know if there's anything I can do for you. You've got an entire awesome community behind you, the awesome YOU that you are. Keep your head up. You are wonderful and I LOVE reading your posts daily. Wish we could be real life friends. I'd totally take you to go girl chat over coffee. :)

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  29. You have come so far!! But yes, it is super hard and the worst feeling not feeling comfortable in your own skin. I certainly do right now and I hate that it gets to me so. I've been thinking about what Miz said and that it might be time to take a break and to embrace the feelings but maybe sitting with those feelings, there's a way forward. Hang in there. You are doing such a great job.

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  30. Awww boo, your so brave and inspirational for sharing that and you've come so far and have so much to be proud of. I think you should come to yoga with me on Thursday. It will be something brand new that will help you work your body in a totally new way and will let you focus and relax your mind. You got nothing to lose right? Love you! xoxo

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  31. I love beyond everything the power it took to write this post, post this vlog, and talk about this. I know you're working hard and things can get super tough. And I know you might not want to hear it right now but you are AMAZING, and you DESERVE to make choices like froyo. You deserve so much because you are so, so, so kickass. I know I've said it before, but you inspire me with every post.

    Stick with it, girl. You've got this. :)

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  32. Maybe you usually internalize things...but letting them out the way you did in this blog will help you a TON...this is awesome and your honesty and openness will get you to the point of happiness sooner than later...you're doing awesome! Know that and embrace it <3

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  33. Maybe you usually internalize things...but letting them out the way you did in this blog will help you a TON...this is awesome and your honesty and openness will get you to the point of happiness sooner than later...you're doing awesome! Know that and embrace it <3

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  34. Breaks my heart to read this. Hang in there girl!
    Shauna@mamas13minutemile

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  35. I feel the same way! I read tons of blogs that are made my skinny girls who don't eat or see girls out who drink a ton of alcohol or eat bad things and I'm pissed. I'm at the gym 4-5 days a week and try to eat good and it's never enough! I'm determined to NOT hate my body. Let's do this!

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  36. Carlyn, I can relate to you so much. I've been struggling with my weight and body image ever since I was 12. I just found your blog and read your story...you have so much to be proud of! But everyone has their off days. Hang in there. I just started my weight loss (and running) journey and it seems very slow going, but I know I'll get there eventually. You have a ton of supportive people behind you, so just keep at it and don't give up:)

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  37. You are the most amazing, truthful, dedicated girl I have ever met and that is exactly what make me love you so incredibly much!!! Don't ever stop being you misscarlypooo!

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  38. I know this feeling too well, and I know that it takes a lot of courage to say out loud what you're feeling and how much it is affecting you. It hurts to not be comfortable, it's a really awful feeling. I lived with it for almost my entire life, hell, I'm 54 lbs lighter and I still feel that way. You'll get to where you want to be, you're on the right path, keep moving forward.

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  39. I don't even know where to start. I have been on this journey a long time. 2 years and 40 lbs later and I still have these struggles. People assume after losing weight you have it all together, but its just not true. Thank you for reminding us it is still a journey. You'll find your drive again and be all the stronger because of it.

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  40. You are incredibly right, everyone has bad days, bad weeks etc. I get into some bad running funks where I will cry if my husband tries to persuade me to go running with him, and this has happened while training for big (important to me) races. It's those OMG why am I such a failure days that when you are doing well you look back on and think, ugh, I should be kinder to myself. Be kind to yourself. This is my first time reading your blog, but I can tell that you have IT. You have it in you. You won't give up and being frustrated shows that you still want it. I hope this weekend is good for you, where you can re-focus, and plan. You will get over this hump.

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  41. We all have our days/weeks/months where we just don't feel "right". That's great you've realized it and aren't giving up! Everyone's journey goes at a different pace. You've got this!

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  42. Babe, thank you for being so honest <3 It feels so good to get this stuff off of our chests, huh?

    I really applaud you for being so honest, but it just breaks my heart that you aren't happy and proud to be the beautiful you that you are!

    When you talk about the "jiggle" and "bloat" it reminds me of me a few years ago and it just makes me so so sad baby :( I know how hard you have worked and YES YES YES you should be proud of the beautiful you! Have you ever read my post about the body image workbook? If not, go to my blog and check it out and maybe order it on Amazon? It really helped me with my body image xoxoxoxo

    always here for you, lovie xoxoxoxo

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  43. Hi Carlyn,
    This is the first time I've visited your blog. I was reading through and it seems like you really do work hard (yay!) and you've been through a lot to get to a healthy version of yourself. I feel like I can relate to you and I just wanted to tell you that you look beautiful to me and it's also beautiful of you to be so honest with your readers. We women should really rely on each other more for help when we need it. When you say unhappiness reared its ugly head, I think you really mean an eating disorder/body dysmorphic disorder reared its ugly head. I know because I've struggled with various eating disorders since I was ten years old and no matter how healthy I am, thin I am, or how otherwise happy I am, that disordered thinking rears its ugly head from time to time. It never goes away and accepting that is part of healing. Before I had my daughter, I hated my body and was especially harsh on myself. It was excruciating to see my body stretch and grow, only to be left with stretch marks on my stomach and legs. No matter what I do, I'll never have a "tight body" again and would love to have the body I had when I thought I was gross pre-pregnancy. It goes to show that it really is a matter of perception. I know women now that would like to have my body, while I don't totally love it (although I do respect it a lot more). I can guarantee that there are women that see you and wish they could look like you, or could achieve the results you have, or had the willpower and drive you do. Nobody has it all, period. Next time you see a woman with a "perfect body", remind yourself that she probably hates her body too, maybe has a hard time keeping a relationship, or something else wrong... And before you say you would rather have something like that than jiggle, think twice. Also know that for everything you don't have, you have something else. Just from what I've read, you're a smart woman, a hard worker, someone that is compassionate towards animals, someone who has a man willing to spend the rest of his life with her(who btw, loved you before you lost weight), and someone who is a good person. Big hugs.

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